Surviving Divorce with Kids Gracefully

If there is one area that can quickly create discord in a divorce, it's the parenting time schedule.  Once the STBX or you move out*, the kids need a stable, predictable schedule, one that works best for them.  Remember, the court doesn't care about the parents in a divorce: the court cares about the kids. *In moving out, keep in mind that, at least in Michigan, the Friend of the Court requires each child to have his/her own bedroom, especially if they aren't the same gender or have a big difference in age.  It really is best to have a separate bedroom for each child at each house, which usually means that some things from the family home need to go to the other house in order to make the new bedroom feel like home.  That needs to be okay--let the child make the decision about what goes where, and be prepared for some tears when a favorite item is at the wrong house. In most cases (at least here in Michigan), the parents end up with something very close to equally-share

Divorces, to the state, are mostly about property and money.  During a time of stress like a divorce, money is usually the last thing we want to think about, but it is very important to protect yourself and your child(ren) as best you can. Keep in mind for the financials that child support is treated separately from any spousal support or financial settlements in the divorce and that the judge is required by law to always put the needs of the child(ren) first.  Both sides must be able to provide for the child(ren), but that does not mean that a parent who has been a stay-at-home parent does not have a chance at custody. It just means that the SAHP must get a job, and any spousal support is usually factored in to child support negotiations as well. This is the time to protect yourself financially .  If you have been used to letting your STBX deal with all the money issues in the marriage, you need to get the account details and passwords as soon as possible.  Once a filing for d

Now that you have made the decision to divorce (or it's been made for you), let's talk about what you need to do first. First, get a good therapist.  Everyone should have one, really, but a good therapist can really help you through the process of any divorce, amicable or no.  A good therapist is worth the money in the budget.  Keep those appointments sacrosanct in your calendar, too.  Things will get busy fast, but your therapy appointment should be top priority.  If you cannot afford one, there are usually local options, starting with local religious community leaders and some places with sliding scale fees. Next, get the kids a therapist.  You will have to work with the soon-to-be-ex (STBX) on this one whether you like it or not, but it's for the best.  Kids need a safe place to vent their anger about everything changing, their fears, their worries, and even their relief without having to worry about Mom's or Dad's feelings.  Good child therapists can be hard

So you have both decided that it's time to end the relationship, but you have kids involved, so it's even more complicated than usual.  You're trying not to be emotional, especially in front of the kids, or maybe you're calm because it's finally settled.  Either way, now you are starting the process of divorce and wondering what on earth to do. Most divorces are mostly amicable.  The two parties argue, work out who gets what, figure out the best parenting time schedule for the kids, split custody, and move on with their lives.  Then there are the ones that end up in court.  Ones like mine with my ex.  The ones lawyers talk about when they get together about how crazy that case is.  In reality, it's best to prepare for court, just in case, instead of getting blindsided and then scrambling to prepare. The first thing to keep in mind is the oxygen mask metaphor.  When flying on an airplane, the stewards tell us to put our own oxygen masks on first, even before