Let's Talk Schedules
If there is one area that can quickly create discord in a divorce, it's the parenting time schedule. Once the STBX or you move out*, the kids need a stable, predictable schedule, one that works best for them. Remember, the court doesn't care about the parents in a divorce: the court cares about the kids.
*In moving out, keep in mind that, at least in Michigan, the Friend of the Court requires each child to have his/her own bedroom, especially if they aren't the same gender or have a big difference in age. It really is best to have a separate bedroom for each child at each house, which usually means that some things from the family home need to go to the other house in order to make the new bedroom feel like home. That needs to be okay--let the child make the decision about what goes where, and be prepared for some tears when a favorite item is at the wrong house.
In most cases (at least here in Michigan), the parents end up with something very close to equally-shared custody. If that's how it looks like things might work out, you need to sit down with your STBX and work out an equal schedule. Schedules need to take the age(s) of the child(ren) into account and any special needs that might exist. If you can, find out what the standard parenting time schedule for your county is, and then stick pretty closely to that until the judge changes it (if that happens).
When it comes to switching the kids, I'm in favor of rather strict times and days, especially for younger children. Change is hard enough for kids, but if they cannot know which days/times they see the other parent and it feels random, it will most likely make the transition more difficult. If, for example, you agree to switch every Sunday at 6pm, one week on and one week off, then that switch time needs to be solid. If the other parent starts making the time later or randomly earlier or changes the day altogether one week and then wants a change the next week, that doesn't help the kids develop a sense of stability and predictability. Especially for younger children (middle school and younger), a predictable time needs to be a priority, at least for the first year or two. While work schedule changes often make things difficult, keep in mind that your priority needs to be your children during this difficult time as much as humanly possible.
Side note on holidays: While you are going to want to keep all of your traditions, keep in mind that the kids will be getting two of everything now, two winter holidays, two birthdays, etc. Holiday celebrations can be moved to another day if needed, and sometimes, those make the best times together as a new version of your family.
For example, when I was a child, my parents had equally-shared custody of me, and ultimately, they split Christmas into Christmas Eve at my dad's and Christmas Day at my mom's. It was stable, it was predictable, and it made the holidays slightly less stressful as a result. It meant that my dad and stepmom had to give up Santa for us, but in return, it meant that we could start new family traditions that worked better for us. Don't be afraid to do something similar and start new family traditions.
Rule #4: Make the schedules as kid-friendly as possible--put the kids first.
*In moving out, keep in mind that, at least in Michigan, the Friend of the Court requires each child to have his/her own bedroom, especially if they aren't the same gender or have a big difference in age. It really is best to have a separate bedroom for each child at each house, which usually means that some things from the family home need to go to the other house in order to make the new bedroom feel like home. That needs to be okay--let the child make the decision about what goes where, and be prepared for some tears when a favorite item is at the wrong house.
In most cases (at least here in Michigan), the parents end up with something very close to equally-shared custody. If that's how it looks like things might work out, you need to sit down with your STBX and work out an equal schedule. Schedules need to take the age(s) of the child(ren) into account and any special needs that might exist. If you can, find out what the standard parenting time schedule for your county is, and then stick pretty closely to that until the judge changes it (if that happens).
When it comes to switching the kids, I'm in favor of rather strict times and days, especially for younger children. Change is hard enough for kids, but if they cannot know which days/times they see the other parent and it feels random, it will most likely make the transition more difficult. If, for example, you agree to switch every Sunday at 6pm, one week on and one week off, then that switch time needs to be solid. If the other parent starts making the time later or randomly earlier or changes the day altogether one week and then wants a change the next week, that doesn't help the kids develop a sense of stability and predictability. Especially for younger children (middle school and younger), a predictable time needs to be a priority, at least for the first year or two. While work schedule changes often make things difficult, keep in mind that your priority needs to be your children during this difficult time as much as humanly possible.
Side note on holidays: While you are going to want to keep all of your traditions, keep in mind that the kids will be getting two of everything now, two winter holidays, two birthdays, etc. Holiday celebrations can be moved to another day if needed, and sometimes, those make the best times together as a new version of your family.
For example, when I was a child, my parents had equally-shared custody of me, and ultimately, they split Christmas into Christmas Eve at my dad's and Christmas Day at my mom's. It was stable, it was predictable, and it made the holidays slightly less stressful as a result. It meant that my dad and stepmom had to give up Santa for us, but in return, it meant that we could start new family traditions that worked better for us. Don't be afraid to do something similar and start new family traditions.
Rule #4: Make the schedules as kid-friendly as possible--put the kids first.
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