We Need to Talk about Parental Alienation and Parentification
Parental alienation is one of the most serious issues in custody cases. Flat out, it is illegal, and it is child abuse. It's a quick way to lose custody. Do not do it. Period.
Parental alienation is when a parent tries to turn the child(ren) against the other parent. In a divorce situation, this includes talking about the court case at all (especially if you tell the kid(s) that you're the victim and the other parent is hurting you and them), talking about what the other parent has done or said to hurt you, saying that you love the child(ren) more than the other parent does, or comparing yourself favorably to the other parent. Using mean nicknames in front of the child(ren) and even convincing stepchildren to speak badly about the other parent or use negative nicknames for the other parent are all parental alienation and off limits. Talking negatively about the other parent in the child's hearing or directly toward the child or even going further, making the child agree with you about how awful the other parent is, is abuse, and it's illegal. In most states, that is grounds for losing custody. If you think the child(ren) won't tell the other parent or their therapist, let alone the Friend of the Court investigator, about it, you are deluding yourself. Kids talk, especially when they are upset.
What it really comes down to is that your child's relationship with the other parent is that child's relationship, not yours. They see the other parent as their mom, their dad, not as the evil ex. Even if your ex is abusive, you cannot talk badly about him or her. If gaslighting is going on, be careful to not talk badly about the other parent but not back up the abuse. Instead, focus on the child's perception of reality, and back that up. If that is going on, document everything the child(ren) talk about, and go over it with your therapist.
Side note: the two of you are still having to co-parent and discipline together. If the other parent sets down a consequence for bad behavior, back him/her up, even if you don't really agree with it. Request that he/she do the same. If the child is to be grounded into your parenting time, enforce the grounding. It's best if you can talk with the other parent and come up with consequences you both agree on. This also goes for working out parenting time schedules: working with the other parent as best as you can is the best option. Do what you can to work with the other parent as much as possible since that really is in the child(ren)'s best interests.
Parentification is when a parent treats the child(ren) like they are the parent or like they are adults. This includes leaning on the child(ren) emotionally, telling them too much information about your adult life and issues; making the child(ren) take care of you instead of the other way around, especially if it becomes a daily pattern; making the child(ren) take care of themselves, including making their own food or even getting a job to help pay the rent or grocery costs.
Parentification is problematic for custody, though not necessarily grounds to lose custody. In its more severe form, it is considered a form of abuse by many professionals because it's making the child(ren) lose their childhood and grow up too fast. Making the child(ren) take care of you really messes up your relationship with your child(ren), often for life. This is why you need your own therapist. Don't make your child(ren) be your therapist. If you need to talk with family or friends, make sure the kid(s) cannot hear you, especially if you are venting about the other parent.
To be honest, most single parents do this to some degree, especially as the kid(s) get older. We give the child(ren) more chores, have them make dinner while we crash from the long day, do their own laundry, etc. It's fine for them to learn how to take care of themselves at the right age level, but be very careful about crossing the line into parentifying them.
One of the hardest parts of the divorce is that you have lost the other adult you lean on, even if just a little. You cannot put your kid(s) into that job. You have to be the adult in the situation, and you have to shield your child(ren) from the fallout, whether it be the financial problems, the court issues, what the other parent is doing or saying, or even just how sad you are about the whole thing. When you became a parent, though, you chose to be the adult, chose to be the parent, and this is the most important way to step up and do just that.
Rule #5: Never talk bad about the other parent, and don't lean on your kids.
Parental alienation is when a parent tries to turn the child(ren) against the other parent. In a divorce situation, this includes talking about the court case at all (especially if you tell the kid(s) that you're the victim and the other parent is hurting you and them), talking about what the other parent has done or said to hurt you, saying that you love the child(ren) more than the other parent does, or comparing yourself favorably to the other parent. Using mean nicknames in front of the child(ren) and even convincing stepchildren to speak badly about the other parent or use negative nicknames for the other parent are all parental alienation and off limits. Talking negatively about the other parent in the child's hearing or directly toward the child or even going further, making the child agree with you about how awful the other parent is, is abuse, and it's illegal. In most states, that is grounds for losing custody. If you think the child(ren) won't tell the other parent or their therapist, let alone the Friend of the Court investigator, about it, you are deluding yourself. Kids talk, especially when they are upset.
What it really comes down to is that your child's relationship with the other parent is that child's relationship, not yours. They see the other parent as their mom, their dad, not as the evil ex. Even if your ex is abusive, you cannot talk badly about him or her. If gaslighting is going on, be careful to not talk badly about the other parent but not back up the abuse. Instead, focus on the child's perception of reality, and back that up. If that is going on, document everything the child(ren) talk about, and go over it with your therapist.
Side note: the two of you are still having to co-parent and discipline together. If the other parent sets down a consequence for bad behavior, back him/her up, even if you don't really agree with it. Request that he/she do the same. If the child is to be grounded into your parenting time, enforce the grounding. It's best if you can talk with the other parent and come up with consequences you both agree on. This also goes for working out parenting time schedules: working with the other parent as best as you can is the best option. Do what you can to work with the other parent as much as possible since that really is in the child(ren)'s best interests.
Parentification is when a parent treats the child(ren) like they are the parent or like they are adults. This includes leaning on the child(ren) emotionally, telling them too much information about your adult life and issues; making the child(ren) take care of you instead of the other way around, especially if it becomes a daily pattern; making the child(ren) take care of themselves, including making their own food or even getting a job to help pay the rent or grocery costs.
Parentification is problematic for custody, though not necessarily grounds to lose custody. In its more severe form, it is considered a form of abuse by many professionals because it's making the child(ren) lose their childhood and grow up too fast. Making the child(ren) take care of you really messes up your relationship with your child(ren), often for life. This is why you need your own therapist. Don't make your child(ren) be your therapist. If you need to talk with family or friends, make sure the kid(s) cannot hear you, especially if you are venting about the other parent.
To be honest, most single parents do this to some degree, especially as the kid(s) get older. We give the child(ren) more chores, have them make dinner while we crash from the long day, do their own laundry, etc. It's fine for them to learn how to take care of themselves at the right age level, but be very careful about crossing the line into parentifying them.
One of the hardest parts of the divorce is that you have lost the other adult you lean on, even if just a little. You cannot put your kid(s) into that job. You have to be the adult in the situation, and you have to shield your child(ren) from the fallout, whether it be the financial problems, the court issues, what the other parent is doing or saying, or even just how sad you are about the whole thing. When you became a parent, though, you chose to be the adult, chose to be the parent, and this is the most important way to step up and do just that.
Rule #5: Never talk bad about the other parent, and don't lean on your kids.
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