First Things First
Now that you have made the decision to divorce (or it's been made for you), let's talk about what you need to do first.
First, get a good therapist. Everyone should have one, really, but a good therapist can really help you through the process of any divorce, amicable or no. A good therapist is worth the money in the budget. Keep those appointments sacrosanct in your calendar, too. Things will get busy fast, but your therapy appointment should be top priority. If you cannot afford one, there are usually local options, starting with local religious community leaders and some places with sliding scale fees.
Next, get the kids a therapist. You will have to work with the soon-to-be-ex (STBX) on this one whether you like it or not, but it's for the best. Kids need a safe place to vent their anger about everything changing, their fears, their worries, and even their relief without having to worry about Mom's or Dad's feelings. Good child therapists can be hard to find, and you and your child(ren) might have to visit a few before finding the right fit. It is worth it, though.
Therapists can help us identify negative behaviors and thought patterns, and that is amazingly useful in a divorce. The best part, however, is that the therapist is a safe person to vent to. Friends might feel like they have to take sides and shut you down. Family members might feel uncomfortable and cut you off. A therapist listens no matter what. Personally, I could not have survived my divorce without my therapists. I was devastated when the first one moved away, but the second one ended up being a real rock I could depend on for truth and safety.
Once that's in process, get a notebook. You will need a place to document financials, anything you find out, and anything that happens that might be important. In Michigan, where I live, our notes are not admissible in court, but we can use them when testifying to jog our memories. It's also helpful when preparing for court with your lawyer to have all the documentation set.
In your notebook, you will want a section on financials (more on that in the next blog post), a section on parenting agreements, a section on communication with the STBX or anyone representing that person, and a section for miscellaneous notes. Some people prefer doing everything electronically, which is very helpful, but most courts do not allow electronic devices, so if you go this route and use, say, Evernote or Google Keep, you will have to print everything out and have it organized in a file.
When you get a notebook, also get an expandable file or two (the other being for the financials). Don't worry about it being a legal sized file, as most documents you deal with won't be legal sized, and if they are, you can just fold them. In this file go print-outs of emails and text messages, copies of anything from the lawyers, any documents you have printed out, etc.
Rule #2: You can never be too organized in a divorce.
First, get a good therapist. Everyone should have one, really, but a good therapist can really help you through the process of any divorce, amicable or no. A good therapist is worth the money in the budget. Keep those appointments sacrosanct in your calendar, too. Things will get busy fast, but your therapy appointment should be top priority. If you cannot afford one, there are usually local options, starting with local religious community leaders and some places with sliding scale fees.
Next, get the kids a therapist. You will have to work with the soon-to-be-ex (STBX) on this one whether you like it or not, but it's for the best. Kids need a safe place to vent their anger about everything changing, their fears, their worries, and even their relief without having to worry about Mom's or Dad's feelings. Good child therapists can be hard to find, and you and your child(ren) might have to visit a few before finding the right fit. It is worth it, though.
Therapists can help us identify negative behaviors and thought patterns, and that is amazingly useful in a divorce. The best part, however, is that the therapist is a safe person to vent to. Friends might feel like they have to take sides and shut you down. Family members might feel uncomfortable and cut you off. A therapist listens no matter what. Personally, I could not have survived my divorce without my therapists. I was devastated when the first one moved away, but the second one ended up being a real rock I could depend on for truth and safety.
Once that's in process, get a notebook. You will need a place to document financials, anything you find out, and anything that happens that might be important. In Michigan, where I live, our notes are not admissible in court, but we can use them when testifying to jog our memories. It's also helpful when preparing for court with your lawyer to have all the documentation set.
In your notebook, you will want a section on financials (more on that in the next blog post), a section on parenting agreements, a section on communication with the STBX or anyone representing that person, and a section for miscellaneous notes. Some people prefer doing everything electronically, which is very helpful, but most courts do not allow electronic devices, so if you go this route and use, say, Evernote or Google Keep, you will have to print everything out and have it organized in a file.
When you get a notebook, also get an expandable file or two (the other being for the financials). Don't worry about it being a legal sized file, as most documents you deal with won't be legal sized, and if they are, you can just fold them. In this file go print-outs of emails and text messages, copies of anything from the lawyers, any documents you have printed out, etc.
Rule #2: You can never be too organized in a divorce.
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